I’ve had those, but for the most part, the scars that I’ve had were internal. I’ve had to heal from being used, disrespected, stolen from, and taken for granted among other things. Knowing that you trusted someone whom you have told your past insecurities and trust issues to, and having them turn right around, and treat you ten times worse is a hard pill to swallow.
I spent about three years of my life in a daze; I was blind to the fact that I was being taken advantage of and everyone saw it but me. Dysfunction and abuse with this person started long before we even got married, but pride and the desire to be loved allowed me to keep the blinders over my eyes and just literally roll with the punches. I thought some of the same things that other domestic violence survivors think when they are in that situation; “He won’t do it again, because he told me he won’t”, “He’s really sorry this time”, “This is my husband and I am going to stand beside him no matter what”, “He really loves me”. I fooled myself into thinking all these things all because I thought that I had finally found someone who truly loved me for me.
I lied to our pastor during marriage counseling, I lied to friends and family, and most importantly I lied to myself. Was a miscarriage on my wedding day not enough for me to realize that this was not the situation that I should be in? Was the breakdown between my family and I not enough for me to leave? Were the countless mornings of being picked up from 3rd shift at work and getting in the car with my drunk, belligerent husband not enough for me to leave?
Being chased with knives, pushed out of bed, punched in the jaw, having scissors thrown at my face and being hit while I take a 30-minute drive should have been enough, but it wasn’t. Not being able to have my own phone, wear makeup, or get my nails done should have been some of the biggest signs of his insecurities, but in my head I was believing the fact that we needed to “cut back on some things”, as he would tell me.
None of these things were reason enough for me to leave this person until my children were born and the abuse continued. I knew that I never wanted to raise my children in any type of abusive household, so at that point in time I had a choice to make, and for me the choice was easy at that point in time….I CHOSE MY KIDS, I CHOSE MYSELF, AND I CHOSE GOD AGAIN. I had strayed away for so long and here God was welcoming me back with open arms and still blessing me to rebuild after I was left to completely start from scratch. I thank God that He never left me, even when I thought He wasn’t there, He was. I never really believed the statement that God will crush your soul to save your life. Here I was with three children under the age of 1 year old, a cleaned-out bank account because of my (then) husband, and somehow, I was supposed to SURVIVE. Well here I am three years later….and I’ll let my progress speak for itself (wink).