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Brokenness Will Not be My Story

November 29, 2018

“You’re a sweet girl but...”
That’s normally how the sentence begins when they’re trying to “let me down easy”. That’s what happens when I decide to get up the nerve and the last little shred of patience that I have to date again; to go through the same phase of getting to know someone; when I psych myself up to go through that process again, with all of my feelings and expectations on the line. I go through all of that just to be let down again. I go through all of that just to, one day out of the blue, be let down one more time. It seems like a “catch 22”. I experience heartaches and disappointments only to come out stronger, and then I get let down for being“too strong”.


“Why do you have to be so strong or so tough?” I learned to be this strong after life constantly threw brick after brick, but instead of letting it break me down, I used those same bricks to stand on. “Why are you so easy to give up?” That’s not giving up, it’s letting go because I’ve learned not to tolerate less than what I deserve. “Why is it so hard for you to trust?” I’m hesitant about trusting people because I’ve been let down so many times by people that I thought would never betray me and now when I see any sign of history repeating itself, I bow out gracefully. My peace isn't worth any amount of  repetitive mistreatment.
 

Wanting to put the past behind me and move on, I always feel as if I'm presenting to people, a woman who is fearless, bold, and unashamed of her past, but instead it seems like the only thing  people see is a broken spirit that is jaded to the core and tainted with broken trust that happened at the hands of someone else; and although you may work on healing and moving on, there are still some traits that will never be the same. In the world that we live in today, everyone wants everything “instant”. People expect a "perfect" person, unflawed, but they still want you to accept them as they are, flaws and all.  They expect you to act as if your past never happened; they want you to be that “perfect mate” that they envisioned you to be but they rarely take the time to peel back the layers of your guarded heart to see what lies beneath the surface. I can say that I have given this dating thing a try, but perhaps it just wasn’t my season to flourish in that aspect and that is ok. I know that my Creator makes no mistakes and I know that my purpose partner could be right before me in plain sight, but until I’ve fully healed in the ways that He (God) sees fit, that sweet soul will continue to be tucked away just for me. So from this lesson, I walk away  saying, “OK God I hear you; maybe I have a little more work to do”🌻 

 

**Artwork by @konsin_creative (IG) **

 

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