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When the fear of finding oneself meets self-awareness

November 13, 2018

Going through the process of trying to find yourself, all while having to balance the responsibilities of being a Mom, in itself is HARD. That’s why every once in a while, you’ll read content where I revisit this topic. By no means am I perfect just because I have this blog and I’ve overcome a lot. I’m just a genuine person who is open about her struggles and obstacles, but one who is still going through struggles, but just taking it one day at a time. My time with my therapist really gives me a chance to emotionally go through and revisit those raw and real struggles that I’ve been through, that I have pushed far away to basement of my heart and mind in order to emotionally function "properly" everyday. Thinking that I emotionally functioning fine, by dodging these demons was probably one of the biggest lies that I could have ever convinced myself of. I’m so happy that my therapist is helping me to bring that old baggage out and talk about it because I’ve acknowledged the fact that if I don’t talk about these things, I will never be able to let these things go and move on. I can say now that I am actively working on moving on, forgiving, and finding a permanent happiness within myself that no certain feeling, no person, or no circumstance can take away.

 

 Wanting more, not in a material sense, is my reality every single day and it is actually one of the things that keep me going. I know that I want to have that feeling where I jump out of the bed every morning, without having days of sometimes dread and worry. I don’t want to feel lonely just because I’m single; I want to have a feeling of completeness and wholeness, even without having a “better half”. I want to have peace and comfort, knowing that all of the decisions that I make for my kids and I are the best ones for us, without feeling "Mom guilt" after every decision that I make. These are all things that I am working toward and striving for daily, with the help of my faith and my therapist. I’ve already faced the fact that none of this damage was done in a day and I know that it will take much longer to get the old me back. I mean, who knows? I may never really get "the old me" back, but I'm trying to learn this new version of myself and get her to a healthier place mentally. I know that if I don't face this fear of  pulling these old broken memories out and dealing with them head on, then I will never fully heal.  I’m up for the challenge, and although I’m a bit weary in this process, I most definitely can say that I see the silver lining. 

 

** Artwork by Princess_Kay_ (IG)**

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