How am I supposed to tell them??? Where do I start??? What do I say???
Some people wouldn't believe the level of comprehension and the vocabulary that my children have at such an early age. The twins who just turned 3 in September and Marley who will be 4 in December are capable of holding conversations, and understand way more the typical 3 year old and my guess is that they have started hearing other children at their daycare talk about their Dads. So my children, in all of their inquisitiveness and wondrous curiosity, have brought up their Dad to me before and I've either talked over it or tried to turn the conversation into something completely different. I know that at the age that they are now, they are far to young to even know or comprehend any of the reasons why their Dad is not around. And although they are too young to talk to about that right now I still can't help but to wish that my children had a great male parental unit in their lives to teach them the things that, I as a Mother, can't teach them. This conversation will be one that comes along much later, and only if they inquire about him.
I often wonder to myself, when that time comes, what am I supposed to say to them? Do I tell them that there were very few "good days" between the two of us before they were conceived? Do I tell them that although I would NEVER want anyone to mistreat them, I myself, was once too weak to even stand up to the blatant disrespect and mistreatment that I endured? Do I tell them that I let the person who is half responsible for their very being, bring my self esteem down so low that even I, the one that they look up to now for strength and encouragement, once didn't even have the strength to pray for myself? Do I tell them that the holes that were once in the walls of our previous home were not from us moving furniture, but from punches that I dodged? Do I tell them that my nights of working third shift at my job weren't met with a "Good Morning" or ""I'm glad you're home", but instead they were met with the smell of alcohol on his breath and hits to the face? No Mother wants to have to one day explain to their children that the bond that she had with their Father started out as genuine love that their Mom had for their Dad, then turned into disrespect and abuse and ended in divorce, police reports and restraining orders. I know that one day my children may read this and they may have questions and I hope and pray that when that day comes, they are old enough to comprehend and understand that that is not the way that any human being should be treated. I love my babies with everything in me, and I pray everyday that my children can exceed every expectation that I have for them in life and that they grow up to be kind, loving people in this cold, cruel world, and that they also still learn how to look out for themselves and for each other.
A lot of people may read my blogs and look for encouragement, answers and just a sense of normalcy to know that the things that they go through and the things that they endure are situations that they are not in alone, and that is great because if I can help anyone overcome any hurdle that's in their way then I feel one of my purposes here on this earth has been satisfied. On the other hand, I'm sure that many people don't know that this blog has been more therapeutic and has made life make more sense to me since I started it in July. Abuse (whether physical, mental, or emotional) I don't, nor will I ever condone, and until now I don't even think that my closest family, friends or coworkers even knew the full extent of that time in my life, but I'm in such a place of comfort and peace in my life now that there's NO ONE or NOTHING on this earth that I'll ever let break my spirit like that again and I am confident in that. So to those that know me, whether personally, or even if it's just through this blog that you've become acquainted with me, if you're going through something and you need to talk, feel welcome to talk to me. The only thing worse than suffering through something, is having to go through it alone. There's no judgement and no embarrassment on my end, because when you've been taken down to the lowest point of your being and you learn, with the help of God that you can get back up, then there's no way that you could ever find satisfaction in shaming another person who is going through something. But if talking to me is something that is not in your intentions, then by all means, always know that you can talk to God. He is NEVER too busy to listen.