Failure to properly care for a wound causes infection and a delay in the healing process. This is something that pretty much all of us know and maybe at some point in time have went through. This can also be applied in an emotional sense. Going through a rough marriage and losing faith in people all together has caused me to have a lack of trust; it caused me to always question people’s motives and I always expect the worse when it comes to relationships. I ended up carrying this same way of thinking into my relationship after my divorce. I fooled myself into thinking that I had taken the adequate amount of time that I needed to heal mentally, spiritually and emotionally before moving on. My heart nor my mind was ready. I had been damaged, but I just felt the need to cover the hurt up with another relationship instead of healing it first. I fooled myself into thinking that I was ready to move on and forced myself to do so by bringing someone else into my world of brokenness and hurt, hoping that they could heal a wound filled with pain and darkness merely by their presence alone. I did this twice after my divorce and I ended up bringing old habits and old ways of thinking into new relationships and eventually it contributed to break ups solely because of my lack of trust. This is what people mean when they say "hurt people, hurt people". There's no way that I should have given anyone else the responsibility to heal a wound that wasn't their own; only I could do that. There was no amount of love, support or trust that anyone could have given me to heal that wound, because the responsibility was my own.
Healing from a toxic situation or relationship has no deadline and it is no race; sometimes it takes months or even years to fully heal. Knowing this, we should take the necessary time to get to know ourselves and fall back in love with ourselves again. We should also value this time and utilize it as our time alone with God to really find out what His plan is for us and what lesson He is trying to get us to learn. We should use this time to learn about ourselves again; I was a completely different person and I didn't even realize it or fully understand it until recently. After my divorce I never really took the time to get to know ME again. Moving on before you’re ready to is like taking a bandage off of a wound too soon and exposing it to the elements, debris, and bacteria that cause infection. And by neglecting to clean the wound and care for it as we should and then just placing a band aid over it, we’re only hurting ourselves. I ripped that band aid off twice and each time the infection (or emotional pain) was hurting me more and more. I ended up emotionally numb to any kind of hurt and disappointment. If someone decided to just stop talking to me, my response was "OK"; if someone said something hurtful to me I would just say "OK"; if someone mistreated me I would say "OK fine" and just moved on. In a sense it's good to develop thick skin when it comes to life's disappointments, but I had to stop and realize that this was really unhealthy and no way to go about life. I want to actually feel feelings again, I want to be excited again when the time comes that someone is genuinely interested in me; I want to be able to go into situations with optimism and a positive frame of mind and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do this until I started working on me. I don't have it all together, nor do I have everything figured out but I can honestly say that I am making a conscious effort to work on myself daily and that I'm trying to get back that sweet soul that I was before I allowed the knives of dishonesty, manipulation, abuse, and abandonment to stab me. You only get one life and with this life of mine, I intend to love deeply again (with the right person) and I want to know deep down in my soul that everyone is not the same and that the pain that I have been faced with in the past is preparing me for the blessings to come. For I know that the only tender love and care that these wounds need can only be attended to by God and me.
**Artwork by Natalia Murobha | IG: @murobhasart **